A few years ago I wrote a front page blog for newschoolers.com. I'm not sure why they thought I was front page material other than my knack for telling wildly eccentric stories. A few of the blogs seemed to be real hits, and so for history's sake I'm going to reproduce them here.
I decided to be a robot for halloween. As I write this, i sit at home, at 1:30 in the afternoon, while the rest of my friends are at school. I am no longer at school because I encountered a problem that has been building since last night. My robot costume, all home made, was brilliant, with one exception. Robots don't piss. Not being a robot, I was forced to manipulate my diet in order to ensure that i would have no problems in school. Since the suit basically requires 3 people to help me take on and off, I was going to have to hold it, if the urge came. Getting to school was sweet, I rode standing up in the back of my friend's truck (sitting down was also not an option in my costume). First and second period were spent doing the robot to music coming from the speakers mounted on my chest. Third period rolled around, and i actually had a class. A college spanish class on the top floor of my school. After trekking across the school and up to my class, I got in, and stood in the corner (no sitting..) and prepared myself to learn some spanish. Maybe twenty minutes into the class, i realized that I was sweating buckets. Not good. My costume had absolutely no vents in it, save the furnace grate that was used as a mouth- and where i looked out. Rewind 12 hours. Before going to bed, i stopped drinking fluids, to make sure that i wouldn't have to piss during school. Total backfire. Today happened to be the warmest day in almost a month here in new york, with temperatures tickling the 70 degree mark. Yesterday was a balmy 45 degrees. The School never turned off the heat from yesterday, so my classroom was somewhere in the neighborhood of 80 degrees. My suit was undoubtedly close to 1000 degrees. For any of you who have ever been dehydrated, overheating, and standing up at the same time, the products of this situation are not good:
me: I need some air, this suit is too hot
Spanish teacher: Que?
me: please stop speaking in spanish, i'm not kidding, just let me go!
Spanish teacher: No entiendan.
At this point, i said, fuck it, and made a break for the door. As soon as I stopped leaning on the wall, and stood fully upright, I lost all of my vision. I began stumbling across the room, in the general direction of the door, as my class watched me, aghast. About halfway across the room, my legs decided they had enough, and gave out, but my brain was still set on walk/running to the door. This resulted in me packing my head into the wall next to the door, and blacking out for time #1. I heard some faint voices, of my teacher, and kids asking if i was ok, or if i was faking it to be funny. I stood up, saw one of my friends outside the window of the door, with his jaw wide open, just witnessing what had happened to me. My eyes rolled back into my head, i turned white, and fell straight backwards. Blackout #2. This time i woke up with all the faces of my classmates over me, looking down, asking me if i knew what day it was. Now, i've never blacked out randomly like this before, so i was pretty confused, but managed to sift through all the questions they were asking me, and give a decent answer. I sat up, the nurse showed up with a wheelchair, and wheeled me to her office, and then I left to come home.
NOW, normally, this would be pretty embarassing for someone. I am pissed that i couldn't see myself go down for the count twice. It was really an interesting day, and i'm sure that after i left my spanish class, they had a hard time focusing on the preterite verb tense for the rest of class. If you'll excuse me, i really have to piss, so peace kiddos. And on a final note: since robots cant tinkle, it's probably better that humans don't try to imitate robots