that's right, congratulations is in order to the bystander, the most recent recipient of my hatred. The bystander has no home, requires no food. The foibles of other people provide the only sustenance necessary. The bystander is a bastard that's always there when you fuck up. He is always armed to the teeth with witty retorts. The bystander appears seconds before a stack of papers is dropped, or in my case: someone hits a large stone on their skateboard. While he shows no signs of being competent in the subject which he is making fun of, the Bystander is always ready to offer painfully obvious advice like, "hey man, there's a rock there!" OH! THATS what that was?!?! thank you mr. bystander, for if I was not privy to your acute sense of sight I probably never would have noticed the rock that stopped my skateboard!
The bystander is a tricky bitch. He appears in many different disguises, but most frequently he appears as an innocent child walking home from school. The disguise is very transparent however, and most of the time you can tell that the poor kid is possessed by the Bystander when he demonstrates the wit of a standup comedian coupled with the timing and delivery of a doctor delivering a christmas-day baby. Both of these qualities are clearly not representative of the child exhibiting them.
But let's take a closer look at the Bystander and truly shed some light on this curious creature.
Despite the image the bystander projects, he is actually quite weak, and very unskilled. His sole purpose is to trick others into thinking he is an authority on everything, and as such an authority, is licensed to dole out helpful hints and tips to seemingly lesser skilled individuals. But all of this is a sham. The Bystander puts this up as a front to cover up a severe lack of skills of any kind. Here's a few helpful hints to deal with the bystander:
1: Have a strong middle finger. You should exercise it frequently and rely on it as your go-to- defense.
2: Ask the bystander nicely to demonstrate the proper technique for whatever the situation is. If you dropped a stack of papers, kindly prompt the bystander to show you the correct way to carry papers. Now you're just wasting the bystander's time, something he most likely wasn't counting on when he decided to offer his worthy opinion. If he tries to dodge the responsibility, explain how you've been having problems with carrying paper lately, and
since he offered his advice from a distance, you would like a much more detailed demonstration of the proper method.
3: Speak gibberish to the Bystander. Act a fool, go fucking crazy, pretend to be an escapee from a methadone clinic. Depending on how your theatrics pan out, the Bystander may think twice before adding his two cents the next time he's in particularly advisory mood for a short time.
Everybody has seen someone trip on the stairs, or crash into a curb on a bicycle. It's almost impossible to avoid a passerby in these situations. But be strong and do not allow the Bystander to possess you...